Riza's Summer Adventure
by Cameron-Sholto
Summary: CRACK. Secret plans are in the works to sabotage the colonel. Does Riza Hawkeye have what it takes to stop the madness before she's forced into a bikini?


**Riza's Summer Adventure**

"Hey, Al, did you get that sand I asked for?" asked a grinning Edward Elric, his eyes sparkling in anticipation.

"Yes, brother." Alphonse Elric clanked into place next to the tiny teen, his armor lightly dusted with desert residue. As the pair of them began whispering to each other, they failed to notice Riza Hawkeye observing them.

_I wonder what those two are up to, _she thought, grasping words like "water" and "alchemy". _This doesn't sound like something the colonel would approve of._

She couldn't have been more wrong. As she turned towards his office, the door swung open to reveal a very jocose Mustang. And. . .

"Sir, what the hell are you wearing?"

Roy looked down at his nearly bare feet and smiled. He smiled at her, his hematite eyes flashing. "They're called flip-flops. Do you like them? I've got a pair for you. . ."

"No, that's really alright." She cocked her head to one side, studying him. "What are you up to, sir?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just. . ."

"Pardon me sir," piped up a sunglass-clad Jean Havoc from behind the door, "but that water alchemist you sent for is here, and the tailor wants your opinion on the. . ." He paused, noticing Hawkeye. "I'll just go check the ice buckets."

Hawkeye coughed.

Roy smiled awkwardly. "Alright. Fine. I'll tell you." He suddenly got very serious, his eyes burning in passion. "It's summer, freaking 85 degrees in the shade, and so we're building a beach. And when it's built, there'll be changes." He struck a dramatic pose. "On that day, all female officers will be required to wear TINY BIKINIS!"

"That's sexual harassment, sir."

"No it's not. It's proper beach attire!" he smiled. All the rest of the officers agree with me."

"We do, sir!" they piped in unison, appearing outside the door. All, that is, except for Feury, who stood there awkwardly, twiddling his thumbs.

* * *

Later that afternoon, Riza approached the little Master Sergeant, who was sitting by himself tinkering with a phone and muttering.

"Hello, Feury. What are you working on?"

He smiled up at her, his eyes innocent. "Just trying to work some of the bugs out of the colonel's phone. It's been damaged." He patted the phone lovingly. "Looks like someone's been slamming it into its cradle, the poor thing."

She sighed. "I tried to tell him, but he never listens. Now he's going to do something stupid, and I can't talk him out of it. That stubborn man!"

"The colonel?" He smiled sweetly. "It seems to me that you've had just about enough of him, ma'am."

She stared at him, her eyes hard. "Yes. Especially now that he's got this new project. Though I must say, I'm impressed he got the Elrics to help him."

"I don't think they are, actually, ma'am. I think Ed just wants to get the colonel wet."

_Finally some part of this that makes sense. _"Why do you think that, Kain?"

He laughed. "Because I've never seen him so compliant. He's got something up his sleeve, and for once, the colonel's too blind to see it coming." He looked at her. "I'm going to take a break and go visit that chocolate shop nearby, pick up something sweet for later."

"This is no time for chocolate, Kain! We need to stop them before they turn the parade grounds into a water park!"

* * *

By the time they'd gotten to the scene, it was far too late to stop the work on the artificial beach. Al, true to his word, had procured a large quantity of sand from the Great Desert, and the water alchemist they had hired had created a massive oasis in the middle of the square, its basin carved alchemically by Major Armstrong (glad for another excuse to rip his shirt off).

Ed, meanwhile, was busy making lawn chairs out of scrap metal and dirt, all the while snickering to himself.

Riza rolled her eyes at him and approached the swim-trunk-clad Mustang.

"No speedo, colonel?"

He frowned. "No. . . why would I ever wear something so revealing? Besides, we had to outlaw speedoes at the beach for some very muscular reasons. . ." He tilted his head at Armstrong, who was rubbing baby oil into his rippling muscles.

She smiled slyly at him. "So you don't feel the need to wear anything revealing, but you want all of the women to? That doesn't seem fair."

"I agree," piped a chipper and familiar voice. "You know, Roy, you wouldn't have that problem if you just settled down and. . . _got yourself a wife_."

Roy spun around to face his dearest and oldest friend. "Will you cut that out Maes? I'm sick of all your. . ." he paused, looking at a small cloaked figure next to the lanky pest. "What the hell is that?"

Hughes stamped his foot indignantly. "_That,_ Roy, is my beautiful daughter, Elicia. And I'd kindly ask you not to insult her again."

"But why the hell is she wearing that sheet?"

He smiled. "She wanted to come with me Roy, and she was just so cute I couldn't say no. You know how she does that little thing with her eyes and it's just SO ADORABLE?"

"And your point?"

He pointed a finger at Roy's chest. "I didn't want perverts like you looking at my little girl in a swimsuit, that's why."

"I'm not a. . ."

"Heh. Good one, Major."

Hughes spun to face the illustrious Edward Elric, whose eyes shone with pure childish joy. . .yeah right.

"Ed! How nice to see you! Have you seen these latest pictures of Elicia?"

"Daddy, I'm wite hiwe," murmured the tiny burkha, suddenly coming loose.

"No, sweetie, don't take off the. . . ELICIA!" cried Hughes as she tore off the hood, smiling up at him.

"Wats wong, daddy?"

As Hughes desperately tried to get the hood back over his daughter's head, Ed turned to Roy, smiling warmly.

"Well, you self-indulgent asshole, we pulled it off."

"We sure did," replied the colonel, picking Ed up and carrying him towards the pool. "Little pipsqueak," he added, whispering into his ear.

Before he even had time to respond, Ed found himself flying through the air towards the water.

"WHAT THE HELL?"

Mustang smirked. "You thought your little plan was going to work, huh? Thought you could fool me into getting pushed into a pool of icy water?" He turned and walked away as Ed hit the water. "Think again."

Hawkeye sighed as she helped a fuming Ed out of the pool. _Well, there's one crisis he took care of on his own._

"Oh, Riza," called Mustang over his shoulder, "I think you forgot something." He tossed something at her, giggling to himself.

She picked up the. . . _Oh, God._ bikini top and bottom. And they were pink.

_You are so dead, Roy._

"Where did you want me to put the. . . oh," mumbled Kain Feury, looking at Ed. "Why do I always miss the fun stuff?"


End file.
